Quotes

Ari: Do they drive that way in Tiananmen Square, bitch?

Ari: You wanna hug it out?
Eric: No, not really.
Ari: Lets hug it out, bitch.

Ari: Call me Helen Keller because I'm a fucking miracle worker!

Ari: I thought you already were his manager. Because believe me I would not put up with this much shit from anyone who wasn't.
Eric: Yeah, I know I am, but I want to do it for real, you know? I want to have the conversation, lock it in.
Ari: So you come to me for advice. I'm gonna fucking cry. All right, here's what you do. You deal with talent the same way that you deal with women. You have to make them believe that they need you more then you need them.
Eric: He doesn't need me that much.
Ari: Of course he doesn't need you. You're fucking worthless. I could get a million morons to come in here and do the job. That's not the point.
Eric: Then what is the point, Ari?
Ari: The point is that he is an insecure fuck, like all beautiful-but-handed-everything-on-a-silver-platter people. He doesn't trust anyone in this world but you. You've been born into royalty baby. You know it. Now you just gotta be thankful, and wear the crown.

Ari: Lloyd!
Ari: In this envelope, there are the names of eight agents. If anyone catches you, eat it. Nod if you understand me.
Lloyd: I understand.
Ari: You can't just fucking nod? Lloyd... I want you to... to swear your undying loyalty to me.
Lloyd: Ari...
Ari: Listen to me, Lloyd, do you want to make it in this business or fold shirts at a Chinese laundromat? Pledge.
Lloyd: I pledge my undying loyalty to you, Ari.
Ari: Good. Now, I want you to go to each of these agents discreetly and say the words "tse-tse fly". Say nothing else. Now go.
Lloyd: Ari, are you leaving the agency?
Ari: SILENCE is fucking golden, Lloyd. Go.

Ari: Listen, Lloyd, I want you to put all my files, folders, binders, EVERYTHING into a box! If you find a used condom, an executioner's mask, and a fucking spike paddle, don't think, just pack that bitch! Chop suey!

Adam Davies: You should be a nicer person. Maybe then people wouldn't fuck you.
Ari: You talked, Davies?... Hey, Adam.
Adam Davies: Yeah, Ari?
Ari: Just so you know, your girlfriend, when she was in the mailroom, offered to blow me. True story.

Terence McQuewick: People, we have a traitor in our midst. Let this be a lesson to all of you.
Ari: You're making a very big mistake, Terence.
Terence McQuewick: That's what Arthur Jensen said in 1973. He was the first conspirator that I ever dealt with. Try finding him now, Ari. He's selling auto insurance in Reseda.
Ari: Okay, people, most of you are sitting there and you're looking at this good-looking old man and you're wondering, "Who the fuck is he?" And you know what? That's exactly what you should be doing. You all know who's been running this company for the past eight years. And you all know that when I go, in no time you will be repping nobodys like Bill from "The Apprentice." No one needs to make a decision right now. I will be starting my own agency. Two very important goals will apply-- to make everyone who is in at the ground floor rich, and to burn this motherfucking place to the ground! Lloyd, are you with me?... Lloyd, what are you doing? You and me we have a special bond. Come on, let's go.
Lloyd: Ari, swear to me that you will never again say anything offensive to me about my race or my sexual orientation.
Ari: I can't swear to that, but I promise I will always apologize after.

Ernesto: [intercom] Hello?
Lloyd: It's Lloyd looking for Mr. Gold's car.
Ernesto: [intercom] Sorry, Lloyd. It's a company car. Mr. McQuewick said I can't give it to him.
Ari: Can't give it to me? Ernesto, how many fucking pesos did I give you for Christmas? Huh, Ernesto? Every Christmas for the past decade? Half of Mexico is eating on my tips that I have given you. Now bring my motherfucking car now, por favor!
Ernesto: [intercom] Sorry, Mr. Gold, I can't do it. Oh, and Mr. Gold. I'm from Guatemala, and our currency is the Quetzal.

Ari: You know what they feed people on an indi set, Vinne? Nothing! They don't give you a trailer. They tell you to go sit on an apple box. Ever tried to bang an extra on an apple box?

Ari: Where am I going?
Emily: Ari, you're 20 minutes late already. Ari, I need to talk to you about something.
Ari: Walk with me.
Emily: Vince and the guys are going to a party at Josh Weinstein's.
Ari: Who's Josh Weinstein?
Emily: Are you joking? He's your old assistant.
Ari: I have MANY old assistants.
Emily: All right, two before me. Before Jackie, after Jerod.
Ari: Ah-ha my "J" phase. I think I fired him for stealing pens. Why do I care about Josh?
Emily: Well now he's an agent at Triad. And he's the one who gave the boys Queens Boulevard.
Ari: That's why no more guys! You fire a guy you create a rival. You fire a woman you create a housewife.
Emily: That's sweet. You're still late.
Ari: Hold all my calls. And get Mini-Vince on the phone.

Ari: From now on ask my permission before you bang one of my assistants.
Eric: How'd you know that?
Ari: 'Cause I know all. And I could have told you that this would end badly. Now I gotta to fire her so you don't feel weird.
Eric: No. Don't fire her.
Ari: All right. Well, I'll just sexually harass her until she quits.

Mrs. Ari: Where do you think you're going?
Ari: They just flew in the liver, I gotta do the transplant. Where do you think I'm going?
Mrs. Ari: You are such an asshole.
Ari: I'm the asshole that pays for your arts lessons and gets celebrities to attend your charity events and supports your dead-beat brother.
Mrs. Ari: Hey little agent boy, you'd better be back here for the cake.
Ari: ... ok.

Ari: Gary! Gary Busey! How are ya man? Good to see you baby, it's Ari.
Gary Busey: Ari?
Ari: Yeah.
Gary Busey: You worked craft services on Lethal Weapon 1 didn't you?
Ari: I certainly did not, I used to represent you? Do you remember?
Gary Busey: I know you. You are a gut maggot with no guts.
Ari: And you're gonna spin off this planet. I love it! Keep at it!

Ari: You do this, then the next one's a studio picture.
Vincent: We'll discuss it, I'll think about it.
Ari: No no no. Franchise, baby. All right? With the luchbox. We're gonna get you the whole action figure with a HUGE cock, for me all right?.
Vincent: It's tempting, It's very tempting.
Ari: I love you!

Eric: Tom Cruise is going to play Pablo Escobar? C'mon, the guy's not even Hispanic.
Ari: Yeah, and Hilary Swank has a vagina, but she won an Oscar pretending she has a dick. That's what actors do. They pretend.
Eric: All right, I got it. So what if Cruise passes?
Ari: Then they go to Brad Pitt. He passes, they go to Keanu Reeves, and on down the list.
Eric: Where is Vince on that list?
Ari: He ain't on the list.
Eric: Well, how do we get him on the list?
Ari: You do "Aquaman" you stupid fuck!

Ari: [after his Viagra has kicked in] I'm ready to go here, all right? It's like R. Kelly at recess. Honey, honey, what are you doing? Are you kidding me? Baby!

Ari: I want you to pass this message along to Dana. Tell her that I still have the pictures from Cancun. Tell her that I'm going to start a website. I'm going to take a full page ad out in the LA Times advertising it. Tell her it will be called imahollywoodexecutivewhore.com and that no password or fee will be required. Tell her I want a fucking call back.

Mrs. Ari: I asked for one hour out of the day for his undivided attention and I can't even have that.
Ari: You can have it if you want to live in Agora fucking Hills, and go to group therapy, but if you want a Beverly Hills mansion, and you want a country club membership, and you want nine weeks a year in a Tuscan villa, then I'm gonna need to take a call when it comes in at noon on a motherfucking Wednesday.

Ari: [answering "emergency" phone call from Eric] There'd better be a SCUD missile heading towards Beverly Hills, Eric.
Eric: No, Ari, it's a fucking iceberg.
Ari: What?
Eric: James Cameron's directing Aquaman.
Ari: Fuck you. Where'd you hear that, Friendster?
Eric: No, I heard it from Josh Weinstein, you jerk off. Now, why don't you get your hand off your dick and go call somebody.

Ari: Where the fuck is Peter Cole's office? Right here?... James Cameron is directing "Aquaman"?
Surprised Kid: That's great, that's awesome!
Ari: That's "awesome", huh? You didn't think to bring it up in the fucking staff meeting? An e-mail? A yellow fucking sticky-something?
Surprised Kid: I... I didn't know I was supposed to know that kind of stuff.
Ari: Well, what is it you're supposed to know, do you think? What the fuck do we pay you for? To get your agency card laminated so you can go to Shelter and try to fuck Mischa Barton?
Surprised Kid: I... I didn't think...
Ari: Let me tell you something. You don't have to say anything, you know why? Cause you can pick up all your stuff, because you're mother-fucking fired!
CAA Assistant: What happened?
Surprised Kid: I don't know. I came in to drop off Peter's mail and Mr. Gold fired me. My life is over!

Eric: We gotta get Cameron to see "Queens Boulevard."
Ari: You haven't even seen it yet!
Eric: I saw the scenes that Vince looped today. They looked amazing.
Ari: Great. So you want me to get the biggest director in the game to see some low-budget indie flick that you think is amazing based on some out-of-context scenes from a looping stage.

Ari: Smoke more weed, Turtle. Seriously, smoke more weed.

Ari: I'll beat that old fuck and throw him in the pool. [to his young kids] Only Daddy speaks that way!

Ari: Is it me or is her voice getting worse?
Mrs. Ari: Ari!
Ari: It doesn't mean that I don't love her but she's just awful baby!

Mrs. Ari: What's in the bag?
Ari: A kilo of blow. What's with all the fucking questions?

Josh: Hey Ari!
Ari: That's a great story.
Josh: How you doing? Crashing parties now?
Ari: You know Joshie here, I don't know if you guys know but he used to be my assistant.
Josh: That was a long time ago Ari.
Ari: What 14 months, that ain't that long. He used to make the best hazelnut latte. He was like a chemist in there, working. Just like mommy made. It was fantastic!
Josh: Hey man, ease up man it's a friggin' party here ok?
Ari: Does your boss know you're using his house? Because I put a call into him. He and I went to school together. I helped him cheat on his economics final. That's how he got his degree, he owes me big time.
Josh: You called my boss?
Ari: Absolutely. You know another class I took at Harvard? Business Ethics. I don't steal other people's mother fucking clients, but in your case I'm going to make an exception. I'm going to take everyone; your B-level sitcom stars, your reality-TV writers, when I'm done with you, you're gonna be repping sideshow freaks. You need Jo-Jo the Dog-Face-Bitch-Boy? Call Josh Weinfuck, the lightweight pen-stealing fuckface. [tastes Josh's drink and pours it out] That's awful.

Ari: Emily!... I want you to go to that party on Saturday, represent the agency. Let Vince know that my Army's everywhere.
Emily: Ari, I really don't want to get in the middle of this.
Ari: You are in the middle of this, whether you like it or not. Ok? You wanna be a hero? You want a medal, or are you a coward? Knock off the hippie shit, strap on a helmet, and start shooting. This is Malibu, Emily, I want you to storm that beach like it's fuckin' Normandy!

Ari: My life is over!
Lloyd: You will bounce back Ari Gold.
Ari: I drove to work in an $80,000 Mercedes, I'm driving home in a prop car from the "Fast and the Furious". I just don't see it.

Ari: That was a good speech, Lloyd. If I was 25 and liked cock, we could be something.

Ari: There you go baby! Men at Work. The land down under. We're gonna get drunk with Russell Crowe and we're gonna head-butt some god damned kangaroos!

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